Of the world.
It's a big scary place out there and I don't feel like I'm ready for it.
Granted, I'm still a freshman in high school but that does mean that I've only got another year or two before I have to make some big decisions. I'm also learning to drive this summer which is big and scary. And I'm hoping to get my first real, paying, job this summer as well. And all of that is scary to me.
It's scary not only because I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up but also because there's no turning back. I can't go back to the innocent days of elementary and middle school where all I had to worry about was what time my dad was going to pick me up from practice or who to sit with at lunch to keep myself from looking like an out-of-place loser. Those days, while hated at the time, look really good right now.
Things are starting to matter and count towards my future. The grades I get, the extracurriculars I participate in, the groups that I'm a part of, all of that is counting either for or against me. What I do this year and the next and the next is going to affect what colleges I get into and whether I'll actually be able to attend those colleges ($).
It's just seriously nerve-wracking. I don't want to mess up. I want people to like me, I want to do well, I want to have everything come easily. But that's not going to happen all of the time and I think it's about time for me to wake up and smell the flowers. I need to start working harder, caring more, and being more focused and concentrated.
I'm aware of every second that passes, knowing that it's taking away a little more of my childhood that I'm never going to get back. While typing this, I lost about 15 minutes. Each night I lose about 6 hours. I'm just getting older. With that comes knoweledge and experience, yes, but that isn't necessarily a good thing, I don't think.
I wish I could stay in a state of perpetual childhood. How nice would that be?
But there's also a beauty to growing up. It's a graceful process. While I'll never be the same person I was five mintues ago, I'm moving towards a bigger and better me. It depends on the way you look at it.
With school, driving, and aging, comes new wisdom and insights. The way that I use that wisdom and knoweledge is going to be the thing that matters in the long run.
I just hope that I make the right decisions, that I become a good person, that I work hard and am able to reap the benefits.
But nothing's for certain.
I'm doing the best that I can.
I hope it's enough.