It's a big scary place out there and I don't feel like I'm ready for it.
Granted, I'm still a freshman in high school but that does mean that I've only got another year or two before I have to make some big decisions. I'm also learning to drive this summer which is big and scary. And I'm hoping to get my first real, paying, job this summer as well. And all of that is scary to me.
It's scary not only because I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up but also because there's no turning back. I can't go back to the innocent days of elementary and middle school where all I had to worry about was what time my dad was going to pick me up from practice or who to sit with at lunch to keep myself from looking like an out-of-place loser. Those days, while hated at the time, look really good right now.
Things are starting to matter and count towards my future. The grades I get, the extracurriculars I participate in, the groups that I'm a part of, all of that is counting either for or against me. What I do this year and the next and the next is going to affect what colleges I get into and whether I'll actually be able to attend those colleges ($).
It's just seriously nerve-wracking. I don't want to mess up. I want people to like me, I want to do well, I want to have everything come easily. But that's not going to happen all of the time and I think it's about time for me to wake up and smell the flowers. I need to start working harder, caring more, and being more focused and concentrated.
I'm aware of every second that passes, knowing that it's taking away a little more of my childhood that I'm never going to get back. While typing this, I lost about 15 minutes. Each night I lose about 6 hours. I'm just getting older. With that comes knoweledge and experience, yes, but that isn't necessarily a good thing, I don't think.
I wish I could stay in a state of perpetual childhood. How nice would that be?
But there's also a beauty to growing up. It's a graceful process. While I'll never be the same person I was five mintues ago, I'm moving towards a bigger and better me. It depends on the way you look at it.
With school, driving, and aging, comes new wisdom and insights. The way that I use that wisdom and knoweledge is going to be the thing that matters in the long run.
I just hope that I make the right decisions, that I become a good person, that I work hard and am able to reap the benefits.
But nothing's for certain.
I'm doing the best that I can.
I hope it's enough.
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I didn't feel the way you do till around my senior year of high school. I've been digging my heels in ever since trying to slow time! I'm now graduating college this summer and it's so scary! A real job, not my after school/summer job from high school. A bonafide, this is you working toward a career job. That's scary! So yeah, I know how you feel. I can't say it's any better at 22 than it is at 14 though! Not to be a bummer or anything. ;)
ReplyDeleteDude, I so want to go back to 5th grade. xD Even though those times weren't so innocent. Some of the things discussed...yeah. Not innocent. We'll just leave it at that. xD
ReplyDeleteAnd ahh we're the same age (grade, actually). We shall go through high school TOGETHER, being baristas and awesome.
Liv,
ReplyDeleteThis is such a mature take on this time in your life. I can only tell you this... you have more than two years to decide what you want to do. I started out as a fine arts major, graduated with an MA in education & taught for 13 years. Then one day, my best friend convinced me we could write a book. That said, it's great that you are pushing yourself. The best advice I can give you is: the right thing and the easy thing are never the same. It's easy to conform. To try to be like everyone else. But is that who you are. You should read the Caster Girls' blog. www.castergirls.com. They are trying to figure this stuff out, too but they feel better knowing there are other girls like them. Girls who forge their own path.
xxxxx
This was great, Liv.
ReplyDeleteJust so you know, I feel exactly the same.
I feel like I waste so much time... and yet I don't stop doing it.
I need to start caring more.
Good blog. :)
-Vanessa
I know exactly how you feel, i feel that same way but somehow i'm 25! I feel like just yesterday I was 13! Where does the time go? You seem like a very thoughtful person and I know you will do well in life Liv :)
ReplyDeleteI feel the same as you are right now, except I have just over a year to decide what I want to do with my life. It's not the world I'm scared of, it's the future.
ReplyDeleteThe future is something that is always coming at you and you will never know what will happen next. The unknown is the scariest because it could always hit you its worst when you least expect it.
I so get what you're saying. When I was in high school, I couldn't wait to get out, graduate, and then move on to better things. Once I was out though, I had no idea what those "better things" were.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Life can be pretty confusing. I say enjoy high school as much as you can because it really does go by super fast. (I was not a believer of this when I was a freshman myself haha)
Liv, you amaze me - you are so much more together than a lot of kids your age. You will do FINE! Better than fine, I'm sure!! I have no doubt about it.
ReplyDeleteThat said, enjoy each day in the coming years. I know some people hate high school, but they were some of the best of my life. I had SO MUCH FUN! These next few years, don't focus so much on the future that you don't live in the moment and have fun. Enjoy this time. Every day, just try to enjoy it.
xo
Lisa
Don't worry so much about "messing up." Very few "mistakes" are unfixable. And if you make no mistakes, you aren't trying enough different things. Not to sound preachy, but the important thing is to learn from mistakes, and to learn to pick yourself up and reboot.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. Agree everything word for word!!
ReplyDelete